I'll Take On WoW

This is my response to this piece by Tyler Curry on McSweeneys.

*please note, this is just a creative piece, it have nothing to do with anything*

So, thanks a lot, Chris. I really wanted to read about your take on our World of Warcraft stand off on your guild forum. But then again, that is what happens when I let you use MY computer, you left the window open. Just so you know, I wasn’t trying to get the keyboard through the monitor; you just happened to duck before it hit your head. Then you headed to the corner to cower. Seriously for being a brave “druid-master-magic-whatever” I thought you would have put up a little more resistance.

And you are still very much addicted to World of Warcraft. Don’t deny it. I mean you spend hours a day on this silly game. Yes, Chris, it is a game. A GAME. I would recommend a 12-step program for you—but I think it would only result in the sharing of “codes” or “spells.”

I would have let the library slide, but Chris, this is the third time you’ve done it. And yes, you should have know the library closed at 8, but apparently if it doesn’t come from the mouth of an elf-gnome-fairy-dragon it doesn’t matter and its not worth remembering. Oh you can remember where you got every piece of armor and how much you paid for it but nooooo you cant for the life of you (or your character) remember what time I asked you to pick me up. The crime rate in that neighborhood doesn’t really matter, I admit I exaggerated that part, it’s not safe to leave a girl alone in the dark for that long.

I don’t care that I was forgotten for a whole drove of gnomes or their stupid village. I don’t care that you were healing them for the “greater good.” I am your fiancée. We share a home. A bed. And if you would like to continue this arrangement you might want to consider who you need to saving. And seriously, if you quote Spock one more time…

I will remember this Chris, the freezing rain and being left behind for gnomes. I might magically forget to pay the cable bill and then where will you be? Internet-less Chris, that’s where.

You and you guild forum… Claim you don’t know the powers of Photoshop all you want. That’s fine, play dumb. I can’t believe that you posted those pictures! Never mind all the other totally normal and sober pictures we have TOGETHER, but no you pick the one from the party the girls threw me after we announced our engagement. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Don’t even get me started on you getting me fired, again. Seriously, how do I explain my fiancées abuse of World of Warcraft is what got me fired from my last two jobs?

Chris, I honestly don’t care about your World of Warcraft needs—any more than you care about mine of needing to be picked up out of the freezing rain, or from the airport.

I don’t know if you know this, but the real world does not care how many pieces of flair your character got from the bald eagle. Does your therapist know about your little “habit” or have you neglected to mention that at all? I am sure its totally normal for a man your age to be diligently clicking away instead of looking over your expense reports. And thanks for blabbing about my mom to the entire World of Warcraft world. There sympathy is non existent, unless it revolves around some fallen comrade.

As for the “blood elf” hooker I caught you with… it is sick. It is perverted. And that you called me by HER name is no coincidence. I think we might have to establish for “role-playing” rules. What do I have to do Chris, do I have make my own sexy-druid-elf character for you? Will that make you happy? Oh, it would… too bad Chris, I can’t do it. I can’t devote that much time to something that IS NOT REAL.

Warchief Thrall doesn’t have to wake up to your morning breath. Warchief Thrall doesn’t have to worry about your watermelon allergy. Warchief doesn’t have to deal with your mother. I don’t care that 8 months ago you made some silly allegiance online. YOU put the ring on my finger, aren’t I the one you need to be supporting… especially since YOU got me fired, again.

I hope you enjoyed this last “quest” because, sweetie, by the time you read this… I will have paid someone within your guild, with your gold to kill your character.